


Stalagmites and Stalactites

by TheDarkMetalLady



Series: Four Heroes Walk Into a Bar... [5]
Category: Gloryhammer (Band)
Genre: Crack, Funny, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:35:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22169509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkMetalLady/pseuds/TheDarkMetalLady
Summary: Angus interrupts Zargothrax's story to ask a vital question.
Series: Four Heroes Walk Into a Bar... [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1537972
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	Stalagmites and Stalactites

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SpaceKeet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceKeet/gifts).



> I got my explanations from the most legitimate sources possible: Wikipedia and a legitimate Aussie from ~~Narnia~~ Tasmania.
> 
> I do not own the Gloryhammer characters. Please note that this story is about the _characters represented by the band_ and **not** about the band members themselves.

In a bar that had recently become an impromptu truce zone between forces of justice and forces of evil, a rather sloshed Dark Sorcerer was recounting a mighty tale of evil proportions to his captiv(at)ed audience. 

“And so I then used their accomplice’s intestines to tie them to a stalactite--”

“Hold on,” Angus interrupted. “So... what’s the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite, again?”

The Dark Sorcerer of Auchtermuchty had to close his eyes and count backwards from 39 in goblonic in order to prevent himself from atomizing the pathetic mortal fool who dared interrupt his grand story. He then spoke with an internalized burning inferno of fury, “A stalagmite, you little maggot, is a column-like rock formation rising upwards and formed from calcium salts deposited by dripping water. A stalactite is an icicle-like rock formation pointing downwards and also formed from calcium salts deposited by dripping water.”

Angus gave the Dark Sorcerer a blank look. “...What?”

Zargothrax then remembered that he needed to use simpler words with idiot mortals. Right. How would he simplify it down further into terminology that the warrior’s walnut-sized brain would understand? He tried once more. “Stalac _tites_ hold on _tightly_ to the ceiling and hang down. Stalag _mites_ grow with all their _might_ from the floor up. That better?”

Angus continued giving him a blank look.

Zargothrax sighed in pure exasperation and pinched the bridge of his nose. _Must resist urge to atomize._ “Angus McFife, you fucking himbo. Have you had your brains replaced with an extract of pure stupidity? Even a hootsman knows the difference!” How had he lost the crystal key to this moron again?

“Aye, they’re common on Unst,” Hoots confirmed. “Both can be useful, but the one with an m in it is kinkier.”

Suddenly and inexplicably, a red-rimmed portal opened up beneath the Hootsman, dumping him far away, into the air several hundred feet above the waters of Loch Ness. It closed and disappeared almost as quickly as it had appeared.

Ralathor the Hermit took this as a chance to steal the Hootsman’s drink and down the rest of it, in hopes it would help him forget what he had just heard. 

Angus opened his mouth to ask another question, but was quickly interrupted.

“No.”

Angus closed his mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> This work was beta-read by [Lavender_Persimmon305](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavender_Persimmon305/pseuds/Lavender_Persimmon305) (Tumblr: [tellmeoflegends](https://tellmeoflegends.tumblr.com/)).


End file.
